Mr. Douché recently emailed us and asked about posting as a guest blogger. Although his CV and headshot were impressive, as were the pictures of him with the Scores girls, Mr. Douché was informed that guest bloggers were not being sought at this time. In a most unexpected response, Mr. Douché threatened to castrate, and then kill, himself live on the net unless we accepted his post. The former Lehman Brothers analyst was desperate to begin again, so we accepted his post.
Hi. I’m Jordan Jacob Douché, MBA, but my colleagues call me Jordy. In your fan letters, you can too.
I love to eat sushi. And when I eat sushi, I look damned fine doing it. I’m going to teach you how to look your best while enjoying sushi. I’ll start with the basics.
You probably won’t look as good as I do, but you’ll look better than you used to. People will like you better and you’ll get more poontang. Isn’t that why we really eat sushi anyway?
When I was at Harvard, I learned that success in life has very little to do with knowledge or skill. It has to do with image. That is why, if you want to be a true sushi connoisseur, you’ve got to look outstanding.
Later, as an Investment Banker, I perfected the art of looking amazing in public. Take a look at my picture to the right to get an idea of what you should be striving for. That is the look of pure beaver bait that will not be going home alone.
But there is something dreadfully wrong with that picture.
Do you know what it is? (Hint: It’s not my $475 haircut from Jenaveve’s.)
Disposable Wooden Chopsticks
There is nothing prestigious about disposable wooden chopsticks. They come wrapped in paper like a feminine product, and require splitting at the table. It’s barbaric. They are also cruel to Mother Earth. Bamboo might be the most sustainable wood on the planet, but even one dead plant is too much for my conscience. (Haha, not really, but that line gets me pussy in San Francisco.) Wooden chopsticks also look low class and dangerous. I pay $350 for my weekly manicure and I’m not risking splinters. There can be no doubt, disposable wooden chopsticks are only appropriate for the proletariat.
That’s why I always carry my own reusable, high-density polycarbonate chopsticks. Polycarbonate is a space age material that was probably developed by NASA, and I believe high-density means that these chopsticks are bulletproof. That’s right, I can block bullets with my chopsticks. This particular model comes in a stylish case that can also hold a bindle, and the whole thing slides nicely into your pocket with your Blackberry. Dinner and blow, on the go.
Tripstixx are my chopsticks of choice. When you brandish a pair of these babies, notice the new level of respect you receieve from the itamae. Think about it – would you even consider shooting pool with a borrowed pool cue? Or playing darts with the bar’s darts? Then why are you eating with borrowed or throw-away utensils? That’s not very Ivy League.
These bad ass chopsticks screw together so the case is very small. I like to assemble them as I talk about my day for added dramatic effect. The set also comes with additional tips they call “banquet” tips and the hollow ends of the sticks are very good for doing cocaine.
You will immediately look like a high wage earner when you whip out these prestigious sticks. You might have looked damned sophisticated when you sat down in an $8000 bespoke suit, but with your own Tripstixx, you’ll be the Big Dick of the Board Room. (One of my professional nicknames. *wink* ) To clean them, just dip them in your water and wipe them with the tablecloth, or use the sleeve of the busboy or waiter. They’ll be ready to go for next time.
Tripstixx are $14.95 for a single pair, but you can also order custom logo chopsticks with a minimum order of 200 units. I put my phone number on them and hand them out to bitches. I think sometimes it really overwhelms them.
Not only are these the perfect snatch bait, but Tripstixx can also be used for self defense. The pointy tips can be used to protect yourself against panhandlers and other deviants.
Your chopsticks are your main fashion accessory when you’re eating sushi. You should be seen with a pair that reflects your excellence. You might not have what it takes to be an Investment Banker, but now you can look like one at the sushi bar. Get a pair of Tripstixx and watch your stock climb.
Look good, live large, and rage hard.
Jordy D., MBA, CPA, Six Sigma Black Belt, Sushi Snob
Harvard, Class of 1998
Note from JD: I’ve got a lot more tips to help you look and act a thousand times better. Hopefully I’ll be invited back to Sushi Freak for another post.